How A Men's Mental Health Charity Transformed One Man's Life Following Domestic Abuse, Addiction & Homelessness
Omar Malik
08/05/24
(Image Credit: Omar Malik/Men Matter Scotland)
Trigger Warning: themes of addiction and abuse throughout this article.
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While International Men’s Day, a day focused on raising awareness for male mental health, might still be six months away, mental health issues are a daily struggle for men across Scotland.
By being actively encouraged within society to ‘man up’ and conceal their struggles and worries, male mental health activists warn that suicide rates among men will continue to rise.
Blether’s Omar Malik spoke with Matthew O’Hara, a 31-year-old Drumchapel-based survivor of domestic abuse and addiction, to discover his journey and the role that a men’s mental health charity has had in turning his life around.
(Video Credit: Omar Malik/Canva)
The Impact Of Being Neurodivergent
(Image Credit: Omar Malik/Men Matter Scotland)
Before we delve into Matthew’s more recent struggles, it’s essential that we gain insight into his early years.
From a young age, Matthew felt socially isolated and othered - feeling disconnected from most of his peers during his adolescence. This trend continued into adulthood, which resulted in some major disturbances within his relationships.
Consulting professionals as a young adult, the conversations would often involve terms such as ‘neurotypical’ and ‘neurodivergent’ being thrown around.
“At first I was quite resistant to it, as I hated the idea that I could potentially be different from everybody else. As I had been so ostracised and didn’t really fit in with any friendship groups, it felt like another means of exclusion,” Matthew told Blether.
But the mental health advocate has witnessed neurodivergence and its related labels become less stigmatised in recent years.
Matthew believes this shift occurred due to “improvements in the media sphere and in general life by lessening the negative connotations from having any label relating to the brain not functioning ‘normally’.”
This gradual societal acceptance of those presumed to be within the autism spectrum has made Matthew open up to the idea of receiving a consultation: “I'd like to go to the GP at some point, but because of how long everything takes with waiting lists, it's a bit off-putting. At the end of the day, I am who I am and people, including myself, need to deal with it.”
Matthew’s Experiences Of Addiction And Alcoholism
(Image Credit: Ground Picture/Shutterstock)
These feelings of not fitting in led to Matthew embarking upon a self-destructive path: “By the time I got to about 25-years-old, I had been through various jobs - it became apparent to me that I didn't think like everybody else. Nor did I process emotions like most people.”
It was at this point that Matthew started becoming dependent on alcohol consumption: “I was using it as my crutch. I didn't understand why I felt so bad inside all the time, and why I couldn't relate to people; why I felt so detached from society in general.”
Due to Scotland’s prominent drinking culture, Matthew did not realise that this reliance on alcohol was an addiction: “To me it was just normal - that's what you did. But as everyone else began to settle down and move away from that lifestyle, it was just me left in that. But because that's all I did, it didn't seem too alien.”
It was only after the mental health advocate kick-started his sobriety journey that he realised the lasting, detrimental impact of the addiction: “I didn't know how much alcoholism can affect your perception of yourself and the world. If you take the alcohol away from the alcoholic, you still have everything raging inside - the emotional stuff you've not dealt with.”
The mentally draining impact of alcoholism resulted in other aspects of Matthew's life spiralling: “It just produced an absolute maelstrom of things going on, and not being able to process that trauma ended up affecting my marriage - leading to divorce.”
“Then I tried living with my parents, which didn't work out. Things also weren't going well at work, so I had to take time off. I was still not dealing with stuff emotionally,” Matthew continued.
(Matthew At The Men Matter Scotland Hub’s Gym. Image Credit: Omar Malik/Men Matter Scotland)
Despite crediting Alcoholics Anonymous with initialising the process of breaking down those trauma-induced barriers, Matthew found himself unable to function properly with such significant disruptions: “I had to declare myself homeless - I consulted my GP, sought advice from Drumchapel housing, spent the night at the Lodging House Mission - Trotters - and ended up going into the Glasgow City Mission and spoke to someone within the emergency housing team.”
“Fortunately there was a woman there who really understood my story and what it was I was trying to communicate. Thanks to her I got placed into the bed and breakfasts at Great Western Road - before having the opportunity to stay at Rodney Street’s homeless centre for a weekend. It was a dry unit, which was essential for me at the time,” Matthew told Blether.
After eight months of staying at Rodney Street, and following the advice of Men Matter Scotland, a men’s mental health charity, Matthew realised that he needed his own space and subsequently got offered a flat.
Unresolved trauma still permeated Matthew’s thoughts, however, which led to his independent living situation feeling like social isolation once more.
Bouncing Back from the Plights Of Domestic Abuse
(Matthew With Hub Staff Martin (left) And Mark (right). Image Credit: Omar Malik/Men Matter Scotland)
While Matthew now perceives himself more positively and engages with people in a “far better” way than he did at that time, his next relationship would lead to him feeling at his lowest mentally and physically.
“It was a very toxic relationship - both of us had addiction issues and traumatic pasts. As part of the behavioural cycle, I experienced multiple relapses. There was emotional abuse and physical abuse and this need for superiority. This very toxic cycle led to me getting to an incredible low - so I eventually went back to Men Matter Scotland,” Matthew explained.
Men Matter Scotland is a Drumchapel-based charity which is dedicated entirely to providing men with a means to safely discuss their problems, traumas and emotional wellbeing.
According to Martin, a staff member at the charity, “there is still a stigma surrounding men’s mental health. ‘Men don’t talk’, ‘man up’ and ‘get on with it’ are all phrases still commonly used. We want to break that stigma and encourage men to have positive conversations about their mental health.”
(Scottish Government’s Male Mental Health Statistics.
Infographic Credit: Omar Malik/Canva)
“Men do talk if you create an environment to do so. We believe this is what we offer - a safe space for men to talk openly and honestly without judgement,” Martin continued.
Men Matter Scotland offers a relaxed space with the primary focus being the wellbeing of the men who join, Martin explains: “We do this by offering peer-to-peer support and putting on classes and activities in our hub to help men improve their mental health, learn coping mechanisms and connect with themselves and others.”
Matthew was no stranger to Men Matter Scotland’s services, telling Blether: “I’ve gone there and ran away many times. But after that relationship I went there with no coping mechanisms left. I spoke to the guys there and they started to help me understand that I had intrinsic worth as a human being; that I didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”
“I discovered that I didn’t need to feel that shame and guilt anymore - I could learn to accept what had been done to me, learn to accept what I had done. Men Matter Scotland taught me how to not be trapped - by learning to be okay both with sitting in your feelings, as well as knowing that you can go and talk to people and figure it out together,” says Matthew.
Telling Blether that he’s still going through this process of healing, Matthew reflected: “There are things that you didn’t have any say over or control over at the time. But things can be different. Through learning how to take back your power and heal your trauma, you can help others along the way.”
“Being working class and from the West Coast of Scotland, it’s drummed into you from a very young age that, as a man, it’s your job to persevere and suffer; that we must detach from our emotions. But every human life is sacred, and we have to believe that we’re allowed to be complex emotional creatures,” Matthew continued.
How Boxing Dissolved Cycles Of Addiction & Abuse
(Image Credit: 1000 Words/Shutterstock)
A crucial current fixture of Matthew's wellness schedule comes in the form of intense boxing sessions.
“I got into boxing after sharing my experiences within that relationship with somebody called Mark at Men Matter Scotland. He then recommended a boxing club called Argo Boxing Club that was conveniently right underneath the building,” Matthew told Blether.
“After telling him about the sports I used to be interested in but was never confident enough to take up, former mixed martial arts champion Mark initially came in with me and offered to give me a session on the pads - which boxing trainers wear to teach you how to punch and do different combinations,” Matthew added.
Since joining the boxing club two months ago, Matthew's overall health has prospered: “I was really unhealthy and I've managed to slim down since joining the club. I still weigh 137 kg, but there have been major improvements health-wise compared with when I started at Men Matter Scotland. It was all tied in with my poor mental health and an abusive relationship which isolated me from everything positive.”
“With any sport like that, there’s a bedding-in process. So you just need to keep turning up, do what you can do and you’ll get better. My health and confidence were at an all-time low, so the thing I enjoy about boxing is that for that hour or so, you’re just there and focused - everything else goes out of your head,” Matthew told Blether.
Boxing offers so many benefits physically, as according to Matthew, “you might be hitting the bag, doing combinations on the pad, doing technical sparring with a partner, learning to do footwork drills or skipping.”
“Everyone has the same goal - they’re working in a team and seeking to improve themselves and each other. There’s a circle of improvement where everybody’s getting better all the time - it’s mutually beneficial in that sense,” Matthew continued.
The multitude of benefits from partaking in the sport are already visible to Matthew: “Because you’re losing weight, developing that discipline and showing up, you’re giving yourself consistency, routine and structure. That helps you in all other areas of your life. Though it’s early doors for me, I can see how much it has improved how I perceive myself.”
“You’re always on the cusp of it being too challenging. But not so much that it puts you off - it makes you want to get better. Once you spar with someone it’s a shared wee journey you’ve been on together. You’re pushing yourself in terms of your cardiovascular health and developing the mental fortitude to get through this,” Matthew explained.
Matthew’s Ethos: Living Each Day Simply
(Image Credit: Natalya Bardushka/Shutterstock)
Matthew is persistent in having a lifestyle that values simplicity as paramount to fulfilment.
By clearing his mind of overwhelmingly turbulent emotions, the mental health advocate feels more able to move forward: “If you’re an overthinker or are anxious, you will probably have a habit of making things complicated for yourself. You can take the power back for yourself by discovering which route will be most effective.”
“If things are getting too heavy or hard, you can always put them down and pick them back up when you’re able to. We don’t always need to suffer,” Matthew reflected.
Blether thanks Matthew for his openness in discussing his experiences, as well as for offering insightful advice for fellow survivors of addiction and domestic abuse.
If you have been affected by any of the topics mentioned in this article, please check out the following links:
While you can support the incredible services offered by Men Matter Scotland by donating to the charity.